This is it, this is the secret to success. Everything kind of falls into place once you know what your goal is. And please, let’s not go down “the secret” road of believe in your feelings and shit. “Finding your passion” sounds melodramatic and overplayed. My goal is not to incite a warm and fuzzy feeling in your loins.


What I’m saying, is find something. Find your canvas. Find the metaphorical, (or literal), art that drives you. That compels you to wake up every day. All the discipline you can gain won’t mean shit if what your focused on is unimportant.


Devote your life to that.

That’s what it means to be a man.


Shit sucks man, I’m a pretty good artist, at least I think so, on paper. I’ve got the classic skills set out. I understand the meta psychology behind learning, behind politics, behind all the aspects that drive people to hit their goal posts. But here’s the deal, I don’t know my canvas.


You set out and try a bunch of things growing up. I’ve tried multiple instruments, (actual art forms), several businesses, some languages. So far nothing has held my attention past the first few stages of ADHD. Chinese got pretty far with a year worth of my time, but time destroys everything, even motivation.


Sitting here, at the cusp of youth and with a plethora of opportunities, here I am indecisive. Who knows what I want? I sure as hell don’t. Is that an excuse for my mediocrity in some fields? Of course. What about unsuccessful people? Does that mean they just haven’t found what they need to do? Well now we’re getting into some feel-good histrionics.


If you wonder without a destination, you might wind up there.


As romantic as that quote sounds, it’s not a good thing. Maybe a glass half empty / half full interpretation here, but you can take what meaning you want from anything.


To me, that’s the entire problem, the root of everything is that you can’t live your dreams when you have none.
That’s the whole issue, because nobody has answers to that, nobody can carry on the conversation further other than, “well keep looking I believe in you”. Yeah, that’s great. Been looking, and obviously not gonna stop. Disheartening to know that it makes people go quite when this is brought up. And that’s primarily because everyone else is in the same boat, nobody is content, but they distract themselves by having to provide food on the table. By having to keep working to pay bills. Nobody get’s to the end of Maslow’s hierarchy and is happy, because that’s not the actual end. Not without your canvas it’s not. You can’t get content, it’s not in the wiring, you can only ignore it and give up.


So few people get to spend any time in self-actualization that it’s not well understood. The problems of a man without food are as real as when you move up the pyramid to Esteem, because both lead to death.


It’s romantic surely, the idea of the stockbroker going down to work with his hands to build woodsheds. Maybe it’s such a meme because there is no end to self actualization phase and you grow tired of the same problems so you’d like to focus on another for now. You trade the success and the problems with it, for a different flavor, but in the end, your mental ratio of ill-content stays the same.


So it’s not progress in the sense I want, to remove my self from the top of the pyramid, that’s restructuring the problem. Then I’m worried about down at the bottom of putting food on the table. That is the reason of retiring early to pursue passions, rather than just quitting until I find what I want. Because I could never contend at self-actualization without having the bottom rungs set up to keep my mind focused on the abstract.


I still fantasize the mindset of something so important coming up that it negates all my current responsibilities. To the point where others understand why I’m leaving to do something unrelated to the value I have already built up in their lives and in their minds. To get a van and drive across the country, to transition to my romantic notion of a wayward vagabond. This would be an activity in pure indulgence. Real hipster levels of special snowflake and disregard for other people.  Yeah, it comes in waves, but it’s hardest from the start.


What I’m saying, is find something. Find your canvas. Devote your life to that.


I’m looking, you’re looking. Let’s look together.
That’s what it means to be a man.